17 4 / 2013
Righty-oh! It’s been ages. I have no schedule, and there’s no prison that can hold me!…. That’s a reference, let’s move on.
Breakups. There’s something largely unpleasant for most people. I say most, because there’s a couple of situations in which it can be greatly pleasant. These are as follows:
1. You’re into that sorta thing.
2. You’re both miserable
3. Your other half greatly resembles a horse. Teeth and everything.
Breakups usually have a few ways they can go. You cut all ties. End of. You remain friends (rare, but nice to hear, I guess). Then there’s the whole ‘one member involved can’t handle it and flies completely off the handle’ way. Which, my children, we’ll be discussing today.
Despite the fact I’m impressed you can get a solid internet connection inside a stable, one member involved in the breakup becomes…. well, a stalker. They see only red and make it their life’s goal to destroy the (we’ll say:) innocent half’s life, especially if it’s going well.
Joking aside. Fuck that shit. Simply put. It’s petty, unreasonable, selfish, childish and above all: all of those things I just said.
Joke version: There’s neigh point in getting so angry about an ex being happy with another person. Stop being sad behind a computer, get your shoes on (shouldn’t be a problem, aren’t they attached to your feet*) and find someone else. there’s plenty of folk into that whole ‘insane’ thing.
Fuck, strive to make them jealous of you by finding such a great person. If you’re that batshit, just calm the fuck down. Consider yourself lucky Tesco aren’t headhunting you for their next company barbecue.
Grow the fuck up. Chill the fuck out and above all, go ride a flap you fucking bum tickler. Not everybodies going to put up with your shit.
24 8 / 2012
Strange title for this blog, as it’s in no way related to content but hey, who gives a fuck, right? Right.
This isn’t quite as hard hitting as my other posts, but apparently I have people waiting on a rant so BOOM! Outta the fuckin’ blue!
So tell me this. Have you ever been to a cashpoint, and the guy in front of you takes a FUCKING AGE to move? I mean like, he does EVERYTHING before he lets you in.
He waits in line, and when he gets to the cash point, he THEN decides to take his wallet out (which is never in the first pocket he tries). After this, he takes a good minute taking his card out of the wallet as his wallet is so stuffed with shite, it’s tighter than a nun’s arse. Now, when he FINALLY gets his card out, he put’s it into the machine, then ponders for a moment. Fuck knows what he’s pondering because his pin hasn’t fucking changed. It’s the same as it’s been since he opened his account. Afterwards he’s pretty quick and choosing his cash, and getting it, which would be fine were it not for the fact that at somepoint in the midst of all this, he’s put his fucking wallet in his pocket again, and is now reaching for it (again, in the wrong pocket) and now tries to squeeze his card back in. He then takes his cash, and stands trying to squeeze the money in as well. After this, he shoves it back in his pocket and then you think it’s all over. Is it fuck. He goes to walk away, then remembers. He got a receipt. He promptly moves his arse back in everyone’s way, and begins fucking reading it. AT THE CASH POINT. Sometimes it ends here, then they fuck off, though I’ve had someone take out their wallet again, and shove THAT in. Oh, and to top it off, they look at the next person in line and say “sorry”. So they know they’re fucking doing it?!
This is a small matter. Who gives a fuck, right? Me. I do. Fuck this guy. They have to be an organization, because it’s fucking textbook. Also, to anyone reading this. His name is now Norman. If you’re the one he says sorry to, you reply:
“Fuck off Norman”.
This works well regardless of situation.
1. If there IS a secret cult, they freak the fuck out ‘cause they know we’re on to them.
2. If there isn’t, and his name isn’t Norman, you can sleep well knowing you’re keeping him up at night. He’s wondering why you told him to fuck off, and why you called him Norman. Did you mix him up? Think he was someone else? He won’t see you again to ever know. So fuck him.
3. If his name IS Norman, you’re immediately psychic.
Real topics coming soon. Surely you can amuse yourself ‘till then?
10 7 / 2012
Y’know. I’ve decided that I’m going to carry a notebook with me at all times.
Two reasons for this:
1. My best musical ideas come to me when I’m walking and thinking to myself. I can’t EVER remember them when I step in the door. I put the key in the lock, which activates a tripswitch which activates a valve connected to the on switch of a forcefield that negates creativity.
2. If it’s big enough, I can hit stupid people with it.
07 7 / 2012
07 7 / 2012
07 7 / 2012
Here’s something I’ve just been thinking about. Tell me if you know this one…
Guy and Gal do the whole breakup thing.
Guy’s understandably upset and gal goes through what can only be described as a complete emotional breakdown, followed by what they might call “a cardiac arrest of the soul”.
A few facebook posts of “I can’t live without him! He’s my one and only!!!”
Three days later (This time fluctuates based on the MOH (Males on Hand) variable and general sluttiness of said female. Other factors include :
- Length of relationship
- Looks of her ex on a scale of 1-10
- How many facebook friends she has
-How many likes every one of her facebook pictures taken while looking and posing into a mirror gets.
Surely this should be a science in it’s own, and I’m completely up for testing this using charts and controlled experiments, but I digress…)
On average of about three to five days later, she’ll be with a new man, the facebook status will be updated from ‘It’s complicated’ to ‘OMG ENGAGED XDXD’ and she’ll be quite content that she has another slav… *ahem* man who loves her so very very much.
For the record, if you don’t get a word of what I’ve said just now, there could be one of two problems:
1. I’m talking about you.
2. You aren’t educated.
At the same time, if you understand what I’m saying, but you’ve never experienced this before, then problem number 1 only applies.
Oh, and for anyone who thinks I’m being sexist in singling out women for my little rants, don’t you worry your pretty little heads, the men’ll get their turn too.
07 7 / 2012
Not so much a rant as more of a reminder.
Drivers. All cars come equipped with functioning indicators. FUCKING USE THEM.
Oh, and while I’m on the subject, don’t get angry when we walk in front of you. YOU didn’t use aforementioned indicators. Next time you shout at me, I’ll be carrying a copy of “The wonderful world of car safety - Indicator edition” and suggest it to you. You might find it invigorating, and you also might be compelled to pick up a few more books in the series.
06 7 / 2012
Spillit. And all sites like spillit.
Great idea in theory, but here’s where it breaks down: facebook exists.
Spillit provides the means to have opinions posted anonymously. Which is fair enough. However. The people who actually use this facility can’t EVER take negative feeback.
Spillit reply - “UR A FUKING CUNT GO SUK A DICK AN DIE U FUCKING MONGO ASS FAGGOT COCK. YOU LIEK MEN.”
Facebook retort - “OMG! All u haterz better fuk off! y do u waste ur own tiem posting on peepols spillit being all haterz n shit?!?!?!?!?!1 fuk off!”
Why get upset over this? You invite EVERYONE who could possibly see the link to post their opinions of you anonymously, and you honestly expect them all to be lovely?
I suppose this ties in with the whole ‘attention seeking’ thing.
Open post ; “OMG. IM SOOO FKN UGLY! I WISH I HAD BIG BEWBZ LIEK ALL THOSE PRETTY GURLZ! ;’(“
Friend one reply - “NOOOO! <insert first name, favourite band name, last name here> UR A STUNNR BAYBE!”
Friend two reply - “ANOOOO!!!! UR A BEUTIFULLL BABE N A WISH A WAS U! SO LUVLY!!!”
Now. I’m all for friends being supportive. But really. There’s two things wrong with this:
1- If she IS a complete horse’s minge, they’re giving her false hope. One day she’ll confidently walk up to the man of her dreams, and be shot down like the proverbial Normandy at the start of Mass Effect 2. She’ll then cry herself to sleep, kill herself and nobody will attend her funeral.
2- If she’s ACTUALLY pretty, she knows this already and she’s looking for attention. If you adhere to this cry for love, you’re everything that’s wrong with the world. And I mean FUCKING. EVERYTHING. Yes. Even poverty.
Please. Everyone. Do the entire world a favour, and tell these people straight. either:
1. No. You look like a half finished tin of corned beef. But that’s cool, you’ll find someone. Everyone does. And you’ll be happy.
2. You’re pretty. Well done. IT’s a shame genetics didn’t stop your dad abusing you. By the way, what aftershave did he use? I’d love to try it and hang out some time….
Spread the fucking word.
06 7 / 2012
Right. To all controlling partners out there. Three words:
For the purposes of this rant, I’ll use ‘Girlfriends’ as an example. They tend to use this psychological shite alot more than men. Men just shout alot and beat women (See - Wikipedia - Hominoidea for details).
Now. I’m in a happy relationship, we work perfectly well together. We fight, we make up, we move on. It’s simple. To those insecure women out there. STOP THAT SHITE.
Firstly. Not every woman is out to get your man. He’s with you for a reason. Trust is a foundation of a relationship. If you don’t trust your partner, don’t waste either of your time. It won’t work, you’re being a cow, get over yourself.
More to the point, if you’re going to argue about nothing, grow yourself a brain.
“LOL BUT THAT PUREE BITCH WS HITTN ON U BTW. SO NOW AM GONNA SHAG LOADS OF BOYZ KTHXBYE”
This isn’t an argument. It’s an insecurity.
You’ve been hurt in the past? The guy was a cunt. Not everyone is like that. Grow a pair of ovaries and move the fuck on. Trust issues? Fight daddy off of you next time. A rape whistle works just as well.
If you’re going to put a dedicated partner through this whole “You’re mine and nobody better even look at you” act , you’re a terrible person and you should feel ashamed.
Also, while I’m at this. Yes. He CAN love you and have friends at the same time. The constant texts, badgering and downright stalking doesn’t make him pay more attention to you. It makes him drift away and realise exactly what you are: A guilt ridden hormone crazy bitch who can’t get over their own securities and, when cornered, will back their partner into a corner and make them the bad guy.
If any of this hits home fella’s, advice time!
Leave the bitch. It’s not fucking worth it.
Men aren’t perfect, but the majority of guys try their hardest. Realise it.
(More humour next post, Promise!)